Romance of Reality

I Am Second

            My story isn’t one of drug or alcohol addiction, it’s not a story of divorce growing up or abuse,    and it’s not a story about a tragic accident in life. I am merely a teenager, much like yourself, just living my life day by day. I have been a Christian since I was a small child and have been going to church and trying my best to stay strong in my faith since I can remember. But just because you believe something to be true, that doesn’t mean you believe it enough to change certain things about your life.

            I was the fat kid in high school, the kid that never felt like he truly fit in at school. I wasn’t academically gifted, but I was still average on a scale of intelligence. I wasn’t athletically gifted, but I was still average at a few sports. Being the fat kid, I wasn’t the one girls ever looked to as anything other than a comparison to make their current boyfriend look better. I had a void inside me, I wanted nothing more than to be wanted.

            I didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t believe I could actually change my appearance. I certainly didn’t believe that I had any chance with girls. One day, freshman year, I was in my room doing homework at my desk. The depression had slowly begun to set in and I would try to cheer myself up by watching funny videos on the internet and such. As many of you are aware, if you spend enough time on YouTube you’ll eventually come to the point where you’ll come across a video not meant to be seen by young eyes… I was shocked, afraid, and filled with curiosity. Innocent clicks led to “accidently” coming across certain links, sure enough… click… click… click… the habit had begun. The rush of doing something wrong mixed with the gruesome physical enjoyment, the combination was lethal. The constant checking up from the computer screen, thinking I heard someone outside of my door, the rush of adrenaline was phenomenal. But surely this isn’t a habit or anything, I’ll only do it a few times…

            A couple years have passed and nothing has changed. Still average intelligence, still average at sports, still the fat kid, and still stuck with this habit. Day after day at school, images passing by in the back of my mind, the results are drastic. I knew it was a sin, I knew I needed to stop, yet I couldn’t help myself. It had become a second nature. I had officially become addicted to pornography.

            Living life with the constant reminder of your sinful addiction, you begin to fall for the enemy’s traps. The trap that caught me the most were attacks on me as a person. Countless times I had repeated in my head “I’m worthless, I don’t deserve anything. Look at what I’m doing and have done for so long… No one would ever be able to forgive me for this.” Self-esteem issues began to manifest themselves and slowly evolve into issues that affected my day-to-day life.

            I wanted to just be done with life. I didn’t fit in as it was, if anyone were to find out my secret… I would essentially be excommunicated from the school and would lose any friends I had. By this point, junior year, my parents had found out. But that didn’t stop me, the addiction had turned into routine parts of my life… there was no getting out of this hole on my own. Life was slowly becoming more and more depressing as I grew to hate myself more and more.

            But, what I used to think was one of the worst instances of my life actually turned out to be one of the best. For the first time in my life, the girl that I had been “crushing on” actually felt the same toward me, the fat kid. Things were great, the relationship was filled with fun memories and personally my first kiss, life had begun to finally look up. But like I said before, the addiction had turned into routine, and even life being great hadn’t stopped it (though it did slow it down temporarily). Regardless of whatever reasons why, she decided to end the relationship on my birthday.

            First relationship ending, teenage guy with self-esteem issues, and a birthday ruined, it was a combination just asking for a disaster ending. I’d like to say I got over it a couple weeks later, but I didn’t. Being who I am, I over-exaggerated everything. I still believed the lies of the enemy and believed that I was just a “fat piece of crap that was better off dead.” Months went by and she had found someone else as I progressively dug deeper in my addiction and depression that went alongside with it. But something happened early in the month of December that changed my life forever.

            I hit rock bottom then dug a little deeper just for “fun”, I had nowhere to go. I didn’t know what to do next, everything in life had gotten as worse as it possibly could. I spent every day of my life sitting in the same room as the girl who, at the time, I thought broke my heart. But something hit me that first week of December. I decided to just give everything in life to God. I put my trust in Him and did whatever He told me to do.

            I had stopped with the pornography, I had gone on a diet, and I began to focus on building my relationship with Him instead of focusing on losing some stupid girl (no offense to her, she’s a wonderful and God filled woman whom I’m glad to be able to call a friend now). Life, for the first time in my life, had begun to go the way I had wished it would.

            The instance that I thought would’ve pushed me over the edge, the instance that I thought would be one of the worst memories of my life, is now one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Because of my life turning around and because of my past addiction, I have a deeper love and respect for women. It’s November, I’m in my freshman year of college, and I have lost 56 pounds as well as developed a great relationship with my Heavenly Father. The void of wanting to be wanted is now filled as well as other empty areas, all I needed was Him. I couldn’t have done anything on my own, the addiction was a part of my everyday life and my weight was a constant struggle. With His help, I was able to overcome my addiction and stick with my diet. Philippians 4:13 says that “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” If you have an area in your life that you need to overcome, give it to God. Let him guide you through your struggles and He will not fail you. My success had nothing to do with me at all and all of the glory goes to Him. I am a freshman college student, a teenage guy, and I am second.

My diary,
Pictures of you bleed through.
Pages torn,
The stories remain all true.
Ink fading,
The memories are too.
Nothing left,
But my love for only you.

Front to back, it is all the same,
Filled with hearts around your name.
An empty book, just you and me,
If only you and I could just be we.

My diary,
Dreams written down on white.
Pages torn,
Wishes made when stars bright.
Ink fading,
I will not lose this eternal fight.
Nothing left,
But my love for you tonight.

Pictures of perfection in every stage,
Pictures of you on every single page.
An empty book, just you and me,
If only you and I could just be we.

My diary,
Written about you and me.
Pages torn,
Darkness does not stop the sea.
Ink fading,
A tale of two, never of three.
Nothing left,
But what you and I could be.

I wish I had someone to share my love,
You are the first one I always think of.
An empty book, just you and me,
If only you and I could just be we.

I see men walking like trees,
Dancing aloud, awaiting the rain,
The world is blind, but He sees,
He saw you, He endured your pain.

Upon this tree of death He was set,
Tears flowing in this river of mourn,
Dead for three, life not returned yet,
A tomb split open without being torn.

Books tell the tales of truth or fiction,
But did thy hand feel holes of sin gone?
A story of Truth and His wise diction,
Night may come, there is always a dawn.

Mark 8: 24 - “And he looked up and said, “I see men like trees, walking.”“

Blisters on my feet I crawl back,
Cuts and bruises with mind off track,
Scars all over, wounds will heal,
But this trauma will always be real.

Life flash, rearview mirror of the past,
A journey of memories, first to last,
Some were good and some great,
Revelation of how God is beyond fate.

Childhood memories of a friend lost,
Moving state to state, at a cost.
Oh Beatrice, I remember through
Nights in the tree-house with you.

Southbound on life’s highway west,
Heading to Texas for a country best,
A new life in an unknown place,
To a small child, just empty space.

Seasons change, life continues on,
Memories made and friends gone,
From home to school, new for me,
Education here is tough, clearly I see.

Two years pass, then that day came,
Added to a chain, never to be the same.
New friends, talking all the time,
Why me? I’m bland without rhyme.

Time goes on, the wind keeps blowing,
Nothing changes, where am I going?
Soon to come, life changes for the best,
But all stories end in tragedy like the rest.

A friend becomes more than a friend,
But of course my failure leads it to an end,
Life is a body, heart beating as such,
Fragile to love, fragile to touch.

She will and still is missed, but I digress,
I will continue with the story in progress.
More memories made, only a few great,
Let’s move on to the present date.

I think very low of myself and so do they,
But I could care less about what they say.
Now I have this great friend whom I talk to,
I don’t understand her, neither will you.

Tonight death gave me a wakeup call,
Life is too short to live in fear of a fall.
Take risks, live life out loud with them,
Most important of all, live for Him.

Blisters on my feet I crawl back,
Cuts and bruises with mind off track,
Scars all over, wounds will heal,
His love will forever and always be real.

Death must wait for another night once more
Before the struggle through thy golden door.
Breath heaving as my dying wish confess,
For one last glimpse of her in that red dress.

Pain is but temporary and worth such,
Blood on hands dripping, reminding of much.
Thou must wait, I must stay alive! One sight
Before I go, oh please dear God tonight?

Shattered bones with shackles slowly binding,
This jail is my home with time unwinding.
Thou must wait, I must lend an eye once more
Before I go, let me love as before.

Arising o’er sun whilst angels sung,
Tomorrow morn brings this soul to be hung.
Thou must wait, for I am endowed one last
Before I die, this heart shall feel love past.

A letter arrived addressed to be read ,
Baring the news that his love is dead.
She awaits above, dress and all its red.
For once in life I would rather be dead.

What is love? Philosophers lend your ear,
This question unanswered year after year.
Ask not what is this love, but rather who?
Ladies and gentlemen, love could be you.

Love is not bound by foreign chains of speech,
Yet Love is a language one cannot teach.
Love starts as a dream, a wish among stars,
Love can heal any wound and leave no scars.

Love is a world war not fought with a gun,
You sit and wait for your heart to be won.
Love is the light among the unlit streets,
The one who causes your heart to skip beats.

Love intoxicates the most sober king,
Love causes even the last mute to sing.
Love is unique to all, but felt by few,
Love is her, just as sure as the sky is blue.

Paddling through a sea of faces
To stay afloat inside this ghost town.
In a world that holds empty places
Those that dream inevitably drown.

Conformity corrupts just as lies,
Comforted sins appear to be good.
Drown my friend, take off the disguise!
Need not conform to be understood.

From afar the sea seems to be one,
Close up the sea shows diversity.
Drown in this sea, shine just as the Son,
Embrace your given adversity.

Feed not thy soul society’s sin,
For norm is relative unlike Him.
His love an orchestra; violin
Playing as we worship with His hymn
On repeat,
On repeat.

Dancing among those who merely stare,
Watching as I drown instead of swim.
“All for the best” as said by Voltaire,
Listen as we praise God with this Hymn
On repeat,
On repeat.

The emperor’s clothes said to be prime,
His conformity led him to wrong.
Modernity forgets the sublime,
Sing with us of His death in this song
On repeat,
On repeat.